Rules for Running into an X

Even though I’ve been happily married for eight years, running into an ex-boyfriend is about as much fun as having my eyeballs poked with toothpicks. Anyone that has ripped my heart out and then cooked it on their George Foreman grill is not enjoyable to see. And almost without doubt the following rules always seem to play out.

1)       When you see the aforementioned boyfriend you will always look your worst.  This can include any of the following: looking like a sweaty rag because you just came from your Zumba class, having a zit on your face the size of a personal pan pizza or looking like you haven’t bathed in a week because you just came from a massage.

2)      You will always be alone.  You will never be with your new hot boyfriend or husband.  You are generally not even with friends so you can at least laugh and pretend that life is awesome.  (Well, you can still try to laugh and pretend that life is awesome but you will just look like a crazy person.)

3)      It will always be the most awkward situation possible.  Ex: I had been married to my husband for about a year when I discovered that my sister-n-law’s first cousin was my ex-boyfriend.  Weird thing # 2- His ex-wife happened to date my husband in high school. Awkward thing # 3- I got to have a chance meeting with my ex at his grandmother’s funeral when I decided to stop by to pay respects to my sister-n-law.

Now-if you are one of the lucky ones that have been able to run into your X with your sexy look-alike Matthew McConaughey boyfriend while looking like you walked off the Victoria’s Secret runaway, consider yourself blessed!

Fa la la la... holiday jobs suck

A trip to the mall the other day reminded me of how much the holiday spirit is in the air.  Thank goodness I don’t have to participate in it on a daily basis.

Holiday jobs are some of the most underpaid jobs out there.   A person generally gets minimum wage with little to no training to deal with long lines of people lacking Christmas spirit.  When they finally do get a fifteen minute break, it is spent dodging brightly colored bags, loud trains and individuals wandering aimlessly for useless items they can’t afford that the recipient has to fake delight about.  Fa la la la.

A whole other level of holiday jobs is dressing up as elves, reindeer or the big cheese himself.    I can’t help but chuckle when I see Santa’s village because I wander if Santa and his elves are as menacing as the ones Ralphie visited in A Christmas Story.   But a new character I saw this year was someone dressed as a lottery ball.  Now- I worry about being overweight as it is-so you would have to pay me big money to be literally as round as a ball with my arms sticking out and my face clearly exposed for everyone to see.  At least if I dress up as a reindeer no one can see my face and hear the things that I’m muttering.

Fa la la la- holiday jobs suck.

Two Simple Rules When Going Out To Dine

Servers are not magic genies.  Therefore, if you decide as I place your entrée down that you don’t want onions on it, I cannot instantly fix it.   I have been desperate enough to try and channel Barbara Eden by blinking my eyes, and trust me- it does NOT work.

Restaurants are not day care providers.  “Kid’s night” does not include a chicken finger meal and babysitting fees.   This means that you should tell your child no when they want to pull the table skirt off and pretend it’s a dress.   Also not recommended is WWF wrestling in the middle of the dining room and saying it’s fine if they have a fourth Mountain Dew.   I would also advise taking any sugar off the table because I’ve seen packets eaten like pixie sticks or dumped in their already sugary soda.

You know how establishments keep track of people who write bad checks?  They keep track of other types of people also….

Success=Who You Are

I’ve been missing for awhile and I’m sure all of my eight followers have been wondering where I’ve been.  Ironically, I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been working so much.  But I’m also trying to do you a favor by not polluting my bad attitude into the world right now.   Let’s face it- lately the economy sucks.

I’m definitely not the only person that has had unfortunate luck with the world of work.  I was talking to a friend’s husband recently (who ironically has the same degree as me) about how we feel like we are going backwards.   I mean- a lot of people are servers to get themselves through school.   I didn’t think I would be a server eight years after I graduated from college.

I think as a society we put a lot of definition on what we do for a living= what your success is.  Or maybe it’s just me.  Recently, I had two acquaintances I went to high school with come to eat where I work.  My first thought?  I’m kind of embarrassed this is where I am fifteen years after I graduated high school.  I almost felt like I had to justify what I’ve been doing all these years.  ‘Yes-  I did go to college and have a degree.  And I’m also working on getting published and I have a great husband and…’

I realized in that moment that I was letting what I do define me as a person and what my success in life is.   And it shouldn’t be.  It should be how I’m living my life and what kind of person I am that defines my success.  And if someone else doesn’t understand that- well, then they’ve never waited on people for a living….

Top Five

Here, in no particular order, are five quirky work/dating stories for your enjoyment that I have personally experienced or heard firsthand…

·         I once witnessed a lady pull a few strands of her hair out and place them in her food.  She then promptly called the manager over to complain and request a free meal.

·         I use to work as an Admissions Representative at a college and I once had a person approach me and ask if we offered a degree in Electric Shock Therapy.

·         There was a manager that I worked with that I swear didn’t know how to tell time.   I would tell him we were having a meeting at 1:45 and he would say, ‘No, we are meeting at a quarter till two.’

·         I had a job where I would critique resumes so people could find jobs.   I had to repeatedly explain that email addresses like whitetrash and sexychocolate were not appropriate unless you planned to work in a strip club!

·         I had a friend set me up on a blind date and the guy was completely obnoxious.  Within the first few minutes of meeting, he said I had “just made the cut.”   When I asked what he was referring to, he said that he has three rules:  1) Woman must live alone  2) Woman must be twenty-one  3) Woman must not like foo-foo drinks.   Hmm.. let me interpret- you want a woman legally old enough to get drunk on cheap liquor and then crash at her place.  Lucky me!

Reality Bites

As the fall lineup of new shows get closer, I realize more and more how pathetic our society is getting about trash TV.   And I’m not innocent in the matter.  Whether it’s out of boredom or utter disbelief that people will do anything to get on TV, I watch my fair share of reality crap.    But I’ve started realizing how it’s starting to affect people’s perception of work and finding love.   Because of the useless “talent” of Kim Kardashian and Snookie, our youngest generation is now wondering if their dream should be to attain a reality show rather than go to college and get a real job.   And what’s worse- they are getting rewarded for it.   Not only does Snookie get a ridiculous amount of money, she has “written” a book, “designed” shoes and “acts” on commercials.     

And take the reality “love” show The Bachelorette.  One of the most recent scandals is that a male contest, Bentley, intentionally deceived the show’s star Ashley.  To Ashley, he was sweet and tried to win her over.  But to the cameras?   He called her names and said he was out to hurt her.   While no one will ever know what his true intentions were, it’s clear that he was not out to find love.  Perhaps that his name is Bentley should have been an indication that he is vain and wants the finer things in life.

Reality- it can sure bite.

The Sue Heck Syndrome

As I continue to interview and apply for jobs, I try to stay optimistic.  But it’s hard.   And I’ve started to wonder- is there a point where you give up?  Or do you continue to just smile and keep trying?

I’ve always respected people that not only fall down, but get up even though they have scraped and bleeding knees.   This reminds me of the fictional character Sue Heck from the hit comedy “The Middle.”   Sue isn’t good at very much.  The only sport she has ever made is track because they let anyone on the team.   And as far as trophies- her one and only is for having perfect attendance.  But she keeps smiling.   Is that to be admired even though she is ignorant and doesn’t realize she stands a chance?

Am I a version of Sue Heck as I look to find the right career?   And if so, is that something to be admired?