Married Man Seeking Married Woman?!!

Have you ever smelled something that brings back such a vivid memory?    There is something about the air of a summer night- especially when it’s slightly humid.    It reminds me of carefree times when I would go out and drink beer at festivals and wonder if it was going to be the night I would meet my future husband.  In essence- summer reminds me of possibilities. 

So maybe that’s why this time of year I restart my hunt to find my friend the perfect guy.   Let me correct myself.  Not perfect- but perfect for her.   I have encouraged her to use dating sites, go on blind dates and try speed dating.   I definitely had my share of unusual dates.   One guy I found on Yahoo Personals suggested we meet at a local bar.  He was a good looking guy- dark with a nice physique.  He should have just kept his mouth shut though.   As he slurped the last couple of drops out of his Budweiser bottle he said, ‘Sorry hon, I would offer you a drink but all I have left is spit.’  Uh, gross.  And I guess laying down three dollars for my very own bottle was out of the question?

And then there was the guy I went on a date with who was a bank customer.   My married co-worker at the time was reliving her single life through me, so she wrote my phone number on his receipt.   He called and we had a typical courtship.  We went out to dinner, we talked on the phone and then his girlfriend left a message on my answering machine that she was going to, ‘Kick my !%$!’  

One dating site I didn’t encounter when I was single was AshleyMadison.com.   Ironically, the site was launched the year I met my husband in 2001.   The tagline of this great matchmaker?  “Life is short.  Have an affair.”   Yes- this website is targeted for married people and boasts of providing a service for discreet encounters.  They even have an Affair Guarantee Program and give tips on how to have an extramarital affair.  Aww- how sweet and helpful.

Cheating is awful- but planning to cheat, that’s a whole new level.  And there’s a company out there that encourages it?!   The site claims that they are not doing anything wrong or making things easier- people that utilize the service were going to cheat anyways.   That’s like targeting alcoholics or drug users.  Oh- they’ll eventually break, so why not capitalize off of it?

In an age where it’s getting harder to find (and obviously keep) a mate, shame on you AshleyMadison…..

Chutes and Ladders

I was channel surfing the other day and I settled on the episode of Friends where Rachel turns thirty.  Have you seen it?    To sum it up, she’s down in the dumps about the big 30.  She isn’t married, has no kids and Chandler thinks he’s being funny when he gets her a birthday card that says, “Happy Birthday Grandma.” 

I can kind of relate because my birthday is just around the corner.  But mine is the big 33.   I can’t even “accidentally” turn around the numbers like my 32^nd birthday.  I have the married part down, but have no kids as of yet and am unemployed.  Not exactly where I pictured myself at this age.

So I’ve started the great interviewing process again.  It’s sooo much fun.   One of the places I interviewed at I was told they don’t take lunches and at another one I had a guy snort when I said I missed work once because my cat died.   Obviously not an animal lover….  I’ve always had a history of interesting job stories.  I had an employer once call me only to tell me to stop sending them resumes!   Another place I interviewed at not only had three people interviewing me, but I also simultaneously interviewed with two other candidates.  I felt like a game show contestant because once a question was asked, the first one to “buzz in” got to answer.   I guess I didn’t win the show because I didn’t get the job.

Remember the games Chutes and Ladders?  I like to think of life like that game.   For those of you that are not familiar, you can land on a chute that will send you almost back to the beginning of the game, or a ladder that will send you so far up you can win the game.   I like to think my ladder is around the corner…

Is it Friday yet??!!!

In honor of David Letterman (even though I am more of a Leno fan) I have compiled my own top ten of gross, funny and unbelievable work stories.  Some of these I have personally experienced, while others I have heard second hand.   It’s a scary world out there…..

Ø  I had a co-worker who would eat the grossest things for lunch.   One time he opened a can of peas and ate them cold, took out an onion and started eating it like an apple and then poured the pea juice in a separate cup and drank it.   Needless to say, he smelled like death…

Ø  I had a co-worker who told everyone in her department that they were not allowed to get flowers due to her allergies.   When she had flowers delivered to her and someone questioned her on it, she said it was okay for her to get them because she knows all of her allergies…

Ø  I use to have a co-worker talk about a certain leaky body part while we were eating lunch.  Bon appétit!

Ø  I decided to take a hostess job at a well-known restaurant that sells chicken wings.  During one point of our training, we had to “bawk” like chickens.  I thought, is this what my life has come to?

Ø  While working a temporary job, I had an employee come up and tell me she thought she was allergic to my perfume and asked if I would not wear it.  Although I was a little irritated, I understood her predicament.  After lunch she came up to me and said she was also going to need me to change my hairspray, deodorant and possibly my shampoo and conditioner.   Didn’t she realize I was doing temporary work?

Ø  I had a customer come in and tell me she wanted to show me her baby pictures.  I had no idea she was going to show me a picture of her sprawled out naked while she was giving birth!!  I never looked at her the same…

Ø  While working for a well-known lingerie store, I had a guy come in to buy some bras for his wife.  After giving him some suggestions, he looked around and came back to me with two: a 34A and a 34D.  When I told him there was no possible way those would both fit the same person he said, ‘At least I got her something this year.’  I would have liked to see the look on her face!

Ø  I worked at a lingerie store and around Valentine’s Day it was crazy busy- mostly with clueless looking guys.  One time when I came in for my shift, a guy was trying to undress the mannequin and was having a panic attack because it was the only size left in the store.

Ø  We use to have two customers who we knew frequently car pooled together.  When one of them decided she didn’t have money to give her for gas, the other responded she was going to set her house on fire.

Ø  When I worked at a casino, we use to have a lot of fights over the slot machines.   I once witnessed a lady pee her pants because she wasn’t going to “give up” her slot to a lurker that had been scoping it out.

Chasing Unicorns and Rainbows

A couple of days ago I sat in a stuffy gym to watch the elementary graduation of my niece and nephew.   Before the graduating class took their seats, they placed a colorful poster board on an easel.    The signs were a celebration of diversity- Doctor, Dentist, Singer/Actress, Green Bay Packers Cheerleader, Spy, Nascar Driver- in essence- a statement of their hopes and dreams.    A young boy then got up and talked about his elementary experience and how he hoped even as adults we have dreams.  But do we?

I find it funny that up until the day you graduate high school- and college if you go- that’s all teachers talk about.  That you are going to school so you can pursue your dreams, you can be anything you want, blah blah, blah.  And then you graduate and you are slapped in the face hard with reality.    All of a sudden you end up taking a job so you can pay the rent, your car payment and groceries.   How many people really chase their dreams?

I find myself contemplating these questions because I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life.    I recently quit my job and my husband and I decided to put our house on the market.  Why?  Because we would like to live near a beach and see what other opportunities are out there.  Possibly chasing unicorns?  Maybe.  But why is that a bad thing? 

Most people I’ve told what I’m doing are appalled.   I think it’s because somewhere between graduating high school and officially becoming an adult, there is an underlying message that there are no more rainbows.  You go to work- whether you like it or not- and that’s it until Social Security (hopefully) starts rolling in and you can get the Senior Discount at Arby’s.  Ugh- depressing.

Now don’t get me wrong- you obviously have to be somewhat responsible and pay bills or you would be living in a cardboard box.  But, as the lavender candle states that I have sitting in my living room, “The Greatest Risk in Life is Never Taking One”…….

The Blue Slushie Guy

So I’m at the movies the other day trying to decide if I can stomach the price to get a Coke with my butter drenched popcorn, when I see the machine for the blue slushies.   I can’t help but snicker- I’ll never look at a blue slushie the same again.

My friend had a date with a guy that took her to dinner and then to the movies.  After subtly suggesting that they get the special for dinner, he tried his best to steer her away from the snack stand when they arrived.  Now I do feel for this guy- in this day and age you practically have to get a small loan to go to the movies.  I always wondered if those little banks they have in grocery stores would do well set up next to the popcorn stand.  But it’s not like you don’t know what you’re in for when you go.  And not getting an overpriced snack is like having French fries with no ketchup.  

After they had paid for the tickets and decided on sharing one of the large tubs of popcorn, my friend spots the slushie machine.  ‘Oh, I love blue slushies,’ she exclaims.   Obviously a statement like that is a polite way to ask if you can have one.  Well, the guy either didn’t hear or rather played the selected deaf man act my husband has so perfected over the years, so she said something again.  This time he sighed and said, ‘You just had to see the slushies, didn’t you?   I was trying to make it out of the movies with some money in my bank account.’   Ouch.   I know times are rough but when a blue slushie sets my account into the negative, I know I’m in trouble.

Even though it’s been almost a decade since I’ve dated, I had plenty of my own blue slushie guys.  I had the guy that took me to Village Inn who decided to take charge and order for both of us.  Now if we had been at a romantic candlelit restaurant and he had ordered in French, I would have probably been turned on.  But instead he took charge and told the server we were splitting- yes splitting- the BLT Sandwich with fries, he had a coupon and we would both have waters.  Really?  I can’t even have my own Coke?   Needless to say I never saw the VI guy again.

Another friend of mine met a guy that we dubbed, “The Singing McDonald’s Guy.”    This guy actually had the nerve to ask to be picked up (found out later he didn’t have a car) and then swing by a McDonald’s.    When they got to the window, he wondered if he could “borrow” a few dollars because he was low on cash.   And the singing?  Well, supposedly he was the next American Idol so he sang instead of talked.

What is your blue slushie guy story?

Hazardous Dirty Zone Just Ahead

So I’m sitting in traffic the other day and have nothing to do other than stare at the construction workers milling about.    As I watch their bored faces dripping with sweat and dirt, I realize how much in common a bank teller has with them.

Believe it or not, being a bank teller is hazardous.   I think a flashing sign needs to be installed in banks that if you verbally or physically attack a teller, there will be a fine or jail time.   I was happy to find out when I worked in the drive-thru that we had bullet proof glass.  One lady became so enraged at me when I told her what her account balance was, she pounded the glass and then kicked the electronic drawer to the point that when I tried to push the button to bring it back in, it made a noise similar to a dying cat.   I’ve had the “normal” things thrown at me- torn up checks that can’t be cashed, wadded up pieces of paper, toothpicks and verbal obscenities.   My favorite is my head just narrowly being missed by a lemon sucker by a little brat that was appalled a teller would give him the most unpopular flavor.

I know being a bank teller usually brings up images of air conditioned luxury in clean suits.  And that may be true to an extent.  But I’ve seen Benjamins with some disturbing things on them- vomit, blood and poo- just to mention a few.  And that’s the things I could identify.    Equally as disturbing is where some of these bills and checks have been stored.  I once had a rather large lady pull a check out of her 38DDD bra.  It was coated with a layer of ninety-five degree sweat and dirty BO that made me upchuck in my mouth a little.   Needless to say, I can pinpoint where my addiction to hand sanitizer started…. 

The "Buzz" on Servers

 The recent news story of a well-known restaurant serving a small child alcohol made me cringe.  Not just because of the act itself, but because I’ve been there and know what this server must have been going through.   Being a server- a good server rather- is a work of art.   Anyone that has waited on customers for a living would understand that the base pay a server makes is equivalent to buying a bag of Purina Cat Chow.

The customers that a server encounters can be downright strange.   I once had a couple come in with their two children and demand that I sing to their father for his birthday.   Not only was the restaurant I working at a non-singing type of establishment, I have about as good of singing voice as the rejects that appear on the American Idol auditions.   This didn’t seem to faze them so I finally found a pitiful candle that looked like it had been gnawed off, and placed it in a dish of rice pudding.   Three minutes and two bribes to my co-workers later, we assembled around the table and sang in a sad off-key range.   This seemed to suffice though, because I was rewarded for my efforts with a two dollar bill, a gold coin and a business card for Avon products.  Yeah- I’ll make sure and add Avon business card to my deposit slip at the bank.

Servers can also be marriage intervention counselors.    Once, on a busy Friday night, I had a gentleman flag me down urgently.   As I anticipated whether I was going to get yelled at for a steak being undercooked or an order being wrong, he asked if I could take a drink of his Crystal Light Raspberry Ice.   You see, he and wife were in an argument of whether not that drink had a good flavor and naturally the server should be the tie-breaker.   I’m not sure what disturbed me more- that I didn’t know we were serving that drink or what I was being asked to do.   Needless to say, sometimes you have to bite the bullet and do what the customer wants.  Remember-the customer is always right.

And sometimes- customers can be just downright mean.   One afternoon as I was sweeping underneath one of my recently departed tables, I saw an older lady sitting by herself eating lunch.   As I was having a deep moment about life and human nature, a fellow server asked if I could stop cleaning for awhile.  When I asked her why, she informed me that sometimes people are just mean.   Apparently, the silver haired grandma told my co-worker that ‘she just can’t eat while watching a cleaning person.'

So, while in no way am I excusing this incident, the next time you are giving your server a hard time because they haven’t refilled your third Blue Moon draft with an orange slice, think a little about what they are going through!